Change the lens, change the story

It doesn’t usually start where you think it does. By the time you’re standing in the kitchen, asking (again) why something that should take ten minutes is now stretching into an hour, you’re already in the middle of it — even if it feels like it’s only just started.

Because most of what you’re reacting to has been building quietly all day. The effort of listening, tracking, adjusting, sitting still, holding things together in environments that don’t always fit. None of that is particularly visible, which is partly why it gets missed.

So when things fall apart, they seem to do it suddenly. A small request turns into resistance. A simple task becomes a stand-off. From the outside, it looks disproportionate. From the inside, it rarely feels that way.

That’s where the interpretation matters more than anything else.

It’s very easy to read what’s happening as refusal. Or attitude. Or a lack of effort, especially when you know the child is capable. It’s a neat narrative, and a convincing one. Once it settles in, everything else tends to arrange itself around it, whether it’s accurate or not.

As Nicola Killops from the NeuroParenting Hub often puts it, the more useful question is not “Why won’t they?” but “What’s getting in the way right now?”

It sounds obvious when you see it written down. It rarely feels obvious in the moment.

Because in the moment, things feel urgent. You want to get it done. You want to move things forward. You want to avoid the same pattern playing out again.

But if you sit with that question for even a few seconds, you start to notice different things. You notice how much has already been asked of them. You notice where it tends to go wrong — the starting, the switching, the point where it all just… stalls. And instead of pushing straight through that point, you find yourself adjusting around it.

In practice, that often looks like:

• Not starting immediately
  Giving things a few minutes to settle before expecting anything more. A snack, a change of space, a short reset. It can feel counterintuitive when you’re watching the clock, but starting too soon is often what derails it.

• Reducing the entry point
  Sitting alongside them for the first minute, opening the book, reading the first question out loud, or writing the first line together. Not doing it for them, just lowering that initial barrier so they’re not starting from nothing.

• Adjusting what “done” means for that day
  Deciding upfront what is realistically manageable and calling that enough for now. It doesn’t mean lowering expectations long-term, just recognising when pushing through the full version is what causes everything to collapse.

• Watching for the usual breaking point
  Noticing where it tends to go wrong — ten minutes in, at the first difficult question, when they have to switch tasks — and stepping in there, before it escalates, rather than trying to recover it afterwards.

• Keeping language neutral when it starts to wobble
  Less “just focus” or “you can do this”, more “let’s look at this part” or “we’ll just get this bit going”. Small shifts in tone can stop things from tipping.

None of that is particularly complicated. But it does require you to see the situation differently first.

Because when something is being misunderstood, the response is almost always slightly off. Not dramatically wrong, just misaligned enough that things keep escalating. And once that cycle starts, it tends to repeat itself, because everything that follows seems to confirm the original assumption.

Changing the lens doesn’t fix everything. It doesn’t suddenly make homework easy, or transitions smooth, or emotions predictable. What it does is shift where you’re starting from.

And that tends to change what happens next.

Not every time. Not perfectly. But often enough that things begin to feel less stuck. And once you’ve seen that difference a few times, it becomes much harder to go back to the simpler explanation.